save me..

i don't know what my reaction would be.. if I will be happy that I have "managed" to survive year 2005 alive or if I'd be so moping over things that did not turn out the way I have expected them to be..

i am working on New Year's Eve.. Funny that many people will rather stay at home and welcome 2006 but i decided to take calls instead. why?? a part of me wants to enjoy with my family.. a family that is currently at the point of breaking right now.. need i to say more??

I'm not sure exactly how it is I manage to end up in these situations. I mean, one minute I'm just minding my own business, and the next, I suddenly find myself under a heap of new responsibilities.


and as they say.. what you don't know wont hurt you.. it is better that I did not explore the stupid blog... i just wanted to know you and to somehow see if I have grown to know something about you that is true during the past year... one thing for sure... if you are reading this right now... i love you... i love you so much that I am about to cry infront of my pc.. i can't help it..

i have fallen... and there is no turning back--

it is not a matter of trust. it is a battle that rages inside that even one person tries to fight it, it can't be helped. the feeling is there and the damage is done. the pain relives itself.. this is the monster that keeps me awake at nights... this is the one true thing that knocks my defenses down.. i don't know when i am bound to overcome it.. or if ever there will come a time that i will be able to...

i am not asking for anything else... i know that what you have shown it pure all along... but somehow... it pains me to know that at that certain point in time you have desired someone else but that girl was not me...

and it is the green-eyed monster... the insecurity that eats up all the confidence me... all the strength that i have left...

again, i am in the situation as before but this time... i am not leaving the responsibility that i have taken at work... i don't know... maybe this is something that will keep me preoccupied in the next few hours..

i wonder why guys are like that? maybe it is normal for them... but i cannot find any explanation that will suffice the questions that i have in mind all through those years when i hear of people like other people even if they already have someone else to call their own...

and maybe i live in fairytale... wherein i can find chivalry and loyalty and honesty alive in a world that I choose to be.. hopeless romantic... given the chance, i choose to love someone with all my heart. to that person alone...


my thoughts... my dreams.. my life..

:'(

that each time something like this comes up, it knocks my world upside down... i hate myself to react like this... past is past... so they say - but knowing that in one split second, one thing can change into another hurts me...

darn it... why do i love you this way? why am i affected by these certain things.. why am I so weak??

why do i always feel like there will come a time that i will not be having you by my side? is it a premonition of what is to come??? or is it just this monster eating me up slowly...

i did not want to go to China alone... one reason is that i don't have high hopes when it comes to long distance relationships.. i wanted to be with you... share everything that is good and beautiful with you... :(


crazy as i am right now... i love you that much...

i don't like celebrating the first day on the year moping over something that i am supposed to conquer... and i hope in the love i have for you i can find the strength to survive this fear ...

and you always mention... if i look for you i will not find you.. but if i need you, you will be here..

i need you right now... in the most desperate times that i am buried in the lowest emotions that I can ever have now...


please save me?