Totally confused

I am a clingy person and I know that by heart.

And even if I easily get hurt, I try to put up a face and let others know how strong I can be..

My soft spot is my family. I don't know if there was even a time that I did make deadma when they need something.. No matter how I try, to just at least get a grip of my finances, I could not.

Maybe because I know for a fact that I am the only person who has a legit work right now. And my father was not stingy when he was still earning green money.

I don't want you to think that they are actually taking advantage, moreover they are hoarding my salary. I just can't bear seeing my mom desperately seeking for money to pay for the bills, bring food at the table.. and give my siblings allowances.

I am not the shopaholic type of person who buys anything and everything I want either. From what I can clearly recall, it has been months since I bought myself a pair of shoes... and no I am not having self pity.

Like any others girl in my age, I have alot of dreams -- which I could have this or that... But I do not tolerate the materialism attitude so I was able to refrain myself.

The only expense that I have is the transportation allowance and the the food.. That's all.

So I am actually wondering why I could not save.. Darn it.. Maybe I am not trying too hard. Maybe I am not as spend thrift as I am..

I am close to tears now.. I wanted to justify myself to you.. to let you know that somehow.. someday, maybe I will be the kind of person that you wish me to be..

I know it is for my own good.. I know you just care.. But what hurts me most is that it makes me feel guilty every time you mention the word "save". That it seemed that I am not doing anything.. and all is worthless..

I wanted to see you right now. selfish me to ask you to make sundo even if you are not feeling okay.. But the money issue comes again... and so we argue.. and I'll try to make tiis...

And I feel alone again.